Safe
by platinumblind
Summary: Shepard's past comes back to haunt her, and dealing with it isn't as easy as she thinks. Set between the end of ME2 and the start of ME3. Implied Shenko.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **I haven't attempted a multi chapter fic in years. Literally, YEARS. So you'll all forgive me if I'm a tad nervous about starting this, yes? Much love to those of you that have already clicked to this page and decided to read. I am eternally grateful that you've stopped by, and I hope you enjoy.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any of the Mass Effect characters and their likenesses, they belong to Bioware. The first chapter's introduction lyrics also do not belong to me, they come from a song called _Safe_ and were written by John Shanks and James Grundler.

* * *

**Safe**

_"Doesn't even matter to you to see what I can see, I'm crawling on the floor to reach you, I'm a wreck you see, when you're far from home now, it makes it hard to believe... how you gonna love, how you gonna feel, how you gonna live your life like the dream you had is real? And if you've lost your way, I will keep you safe, we'll open up all the world inside and see it come alive tonight... I will keep you safe."_

**One.**

Rain splattered violently against the windows of her apartment - her well-decorated _cell_, for all intents and purposes - and she sat on the bed, cross-legged and blank-faced, watching the storm take hold outside. As she watched quietly, she knew she could feel pairs of eyes watching her. She spared a moment of thought for the security camera that she knew was installed up on the wall in the far corner of the room. _The kind of luxuries you get when you're living in a Detention Centre_, she thought to herself, as a small smile crept over her lips. Not a happy, content or satisfied smile, but a sarcastic one. For the past three weeks, every time she gave herself chance to think about it, all she could do was become highly amused at the fact that she had worked herself to the bone to ensure all the Reapers' efforts at destroying the Galaxy could be thwarted - and yet she had been rewarded by being grounded and put under 24 hour surveillance.

Shepard knew she had done a terrible thing by letting the asteroid collide into that mass relay. She had basically committed genocide. 300,000 Batarians dead, and it was her doing. But she also knew that her decision had bought the rest of the Galaxy precious time. Though now she was being made to feel like some kind of war criminal. Ironic, when she had spent the last three years of her life fighting to ensure that the war criminals _didn't _win.

She had even been banned from sending or receiving any kind of communication, due to her 'recent associations with Cerberus'. The Alliance no longer trusted her, despite her protests that, as she put it - "I didn't work for Cerberus, they worked for me". If she in fact _had _been sent messages from any of her former crew mates, she hadn't received them. She knew that the Alliance had put some sort of block on her omni-tool communication function. She wondered if people like Tali or Garrus - the ones that had been by her side since the beginning, the ones she implicitly trusted - knew what was going on. Liara was sure to know; she was the Shadow Broker, after all. Shepard wondered if Liara had contacted their mutual friends and explained the situation to them.

Uncrossing her legs, she stood up from the bed, running a hand to smooth the creases over the crumpled duvet cover before stepping over to the desk. It was mostly clear, aside from a datapad which was switched off, and a photo frame which had been placed face down. Shepard took a deep breath, as if she was about to do something strenuous. In a way, she was. During the entire build up to the Collector mission, it had almost been a blessing that she had had so much work to do, because it meant that she didn't have a chance to think about what was really eating at her inside. There was so much at stake, so many people relying on her, that she could almost forget to think about her own needs and feelings. But now the mission was over, and she was stuck in what felt almost like solitary confinement. Aside from the people she saw outside from her window, the only person she ever really spoke to was James Vega, an Alliance soldier who had been recruited to guard Shepard during her time in the Detention Centre.

She picked up the photo frame, and turned it right side up. Feelings of raw emotion suddenly washed over her, and she was suddenly confused, startled, unsure of herself. She hadn't felt something so strong since the night before Ilos.

_Kaidan._

The last time Shepard had heard anything from her ally-turned-lover-turned-stranger was an e-mail on her omni-tool discussing that fateful afternoon they'd bumped into each other on Horizon. Kaidan had mentioned so many things that had simply knocked Shepard for six; that he'd been on a date with another woman, that the night they'd shared before Ilos had meant _everything _to him, that if he lost Shepard again he just couldn't bear it. It was so heartfelt... it had been almost excruciating to read. It had brought up emotions and feelings that had been absent in Shepard for so long that she didn't even know she was capable of feeling them again. If Shepard was more emotionally in tune with herself, she probably would have cried. But Shepard didn't cry. She didn't ever cry. She had battled and suffered through so much that tears just seemed... redundant. If she ever wanted a release from her pain, she had alternate methods: taking it out on enemies on the battlefield or - when she was on shore leave - drinking herself into unconsciousness. And on the night she received the e-mail from Kaidan, boy did she drink. She remembered the sloppy e-mail response she'd typed up while lying on the bed of her cabin, mind hazy from the bottle of whiskey she'd polished off.

_Kaidan_

_that nitht before Ilos nwas THE BEST HNGIHT I HVAE EVER HAD.i LOVED YOU. I still love yuo._

_ceberus dont hae my loyalty like you do. the ilusivce man knowsx that I Dont trust him._

_I NEED YOU HERE_

_your Amelia xxx_

She passed out before she could bring herself to send it, and when she came to the following morning and discovered the e-mail in her drafts folder, she used her better judgement and left it there. Kaidan clearly already thought of her as a liar and an Alliance traitor; no need to give him the opportunity to add 'ditzy drunken moron' to the list. But it had taken her six months to actually make the effort to delete the e-mail completely. It haunted her every time she looked at it. Her true feelings, out in the open, in black and white. It frightened her that she felt so much for one person... and the fact that it frightened her also annoyed her. She was Commander Shepard, for god's sake. She wasn't meant to be afraid of anything. She had been involved with other men before, sure, but they had always been pointless flings that never lasted. She'd had her fair share of one night stands, especially during her teenage years. No parents, living on the streets, being a member of a feared gang - there was no time or room for love in her life. So when she laid her eyes on Kaidan Alenko for the very first time, her heart began to flutter in a way that she'd never felt or understood before, and it bothered her immensely. He had somehow become an exception to her unwritten rule. He seemed to bring out the best in her, and now he was missing from her life she had returned to the fierce, loveless empty shell she was before.

She placed the photo frame back on her desk, face down once again, and placed a hand over her face, rubbing her temples as she emitted a frustrated sigh. Thoughts of Kaidan had become a frequent unwelcome distraction in her silent, confined world.

The apartment door slid open and Shepard was jolted out of her cruel reverie. Suddenly she was face-to-face with her tall, tanned, muscular guard dog. James Vega. He stopped a few feet in front of her, promptly raising his hand to his head in a salute.

"Commander."

She smirked. "You're not supposed to call me that anymore, James," she told him.

His hand fell back down to his side again. "Not supposed to salute you anymore either," he responded, "We do this _every _day, Commander, you should know the drill by now."

It was true. It had been three weeks since her trial and her stint in the Detention Centre had begun, and every morning James greeted her with the same Alliance formality that she knew others didn't believe she deserved anymore. As annoying as he seemed at times, Shepard secretly appreciated the fact that James still respected her as a soldier.

"Let me guess Lieutenant, you've come to shackle my hands and lead me to the dinner hall?" she spoke, a sarcastic twinge in her voice.

A quiet chuckle escaped from James' lips. "Not quite, Commander, but we are going on a trip. Civilian Affairs wants to see you."

Shepard's left eyebrow cocked up. "Civilian Affairs? Why would they want to see me?"

"They wouldn't give me any info, strictly classified. They just requested you report to them immediately."

"Alright..." Shepard muttered with a nod, and she followed James out of the room.

* * *

Reviews much appreciated, whether you love it, hate it, or are not quite sure what you feel yet.

More soon.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Here's more. Enjoy.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any of the Mass Effect characters and their likenesses, they belong to Bioware.

* * *

**Two.**

The Civilian Affairs Department was on the far side of the Alliance Command building; the massive office consisted of two desks, a large ugly red and blue plaid couch, and two members of staff who _never_ seemed to leave.

"Miss Shepard, Lieutenant Vega, thank you for coming," came the voice of a tall, slim blonde woman in a pinstripe suit and heels as Shepard and James stepped into the office, "My name's Detective Lisa Reynolds."

The Detective offered his hand to Shepard and she shook it absently, still slightly surprised that someone had called her _Miss _Shepard. She hadn't been referred to as a _Miss _in at least five years. "What's the situation, Detective Reynolds?"

Detective Reynolds opened her mouth to speak, only closing it again promptly as her eyes suddenly fixed on James. "If you don't mind, Lieutenant, I'd like to speak to Shepard in private."

"Fair enough. I'll be outside," James turned and walked out of the office, the door sliding shut behind him. Detective Reynolds and Shepard turned their attention back to each other, and the Detective extended her hand out to the black leather chair parked in front of her desk. "If you'd like to take a seat."

Shepard stepped towards the seat and lowered herself onto it, as the Detective did the same with her seat on the other side of the desk. Shepard took a moment to glance around the room, noting the row of framed certificates on the wall behind the Detective, the framed photograph of a little smiling blonde girl placed on the desk, and a slightly dusty silver nameplate with "DETECTIVE LISA REYNOLDS - CIVILIAN AFFAIRS" engraved on the front in big bold letters.

"Shepard, don't worry. This has nothing to do with your work with Cerberus, or what you did in the Bahak system," explained the Detective, "This is a personal matter. I understand this will likely be a highly sensitive matter for you, however we'd just like to get the situation rectified as soon as possible."

Shepard felt confused, suddenly racking her brains to try and figure out if she already knew what Detective Reynolds was talking about. All her brain seemed to scream at her was _KAIDAN. _She shook her head violently - grateful the Detective hadn't noticed as she'd momentarily stepped away from her desk to pick out something from her nearby file cabinet. She needed to stop thinking about him. Maybe it was to do with one of her crew mates? Had someone discovered who the Shadow Broker was? Had Jack blown up someone's ship... again? All at once her mind had gone into overdrive, and she silently berated herself for beginning that train of thought.

"I don't know if you could tell me if you recognise this boy," came the voice of the Detective as she sat back down in her chair, and held out a photograph. Shepard took it in her grasp and laid her eyes on it. It was a young fair-skinned boy, painfully thin, with messy brown hair and equally brown eyes, dressed in a shabby grey sweatshirt and a pair of jeans. He didn't jog anything in her memory. She shrugged, handing the photo back to the Detective. "Never seen him before," she stated blankly, "Should I recognise him?"

The Detective sighed. "This boy was discovered about a week ago on the side of the road about a mile from here. He was incredibly malnourished and was all alone. All he had with him was some grey backpack. Claims he'd managed to hitch a ride to here from Seattle. We're not sure how true that is, we're trying to get all the details we can out of him, but he won't talk much."

"I'm sorry, Detective, I still don't understand why you wanted to see me," said Shepard, "It's incredibly unfortunate that this boy has obviously suffered and I feel sorry for him, but he's not the only unfortunate child out there." She prayed it wouldn't, but her mind suddenly flashed her an image of her childhood. _Soaked through from the storm. Shivering, freezing cold, starving. She runs down the dark alleyway. It's quiet, lonely. She stumbles across a massive empty cardboard box on the ground, turned on it's side. She gets down on the ground and crawls into the cardboard box. Lying down, she begins to sob. The cardboard box is her new home... at least for now._

"Yes, I'm sorry Shepard, we're well aware of what your... childhood situation was," said the Detective, and Shepard was grateful that the Detective had brought her out of her horrible flashback. "But there's more to this. We've checked the boy's backpack. From what we can gather, the boy's name is Christian and he's about eleven years old. He didn't have much with him, just some clothes, a journal and some photograph. And also... well..." The Detective's voice trailed off, and Shepard glanced at her, confused. The Detective opened her desk drawer, seeming to search through it for something, and then closed it again. She extended her hand out, and in her palm was a tiny black machine, almost like a remote control. Shepard took it, recognising it as she inspected it a little more. It was a hologram player.

"I think... I think you need to watch it, Miss Shepard. We're hoping you can shine some light on the situation for us by watching this and... well, explaining a few things." The Detective stood up from her seat. "I'm sure you will appreciate a few moments alone. I'll be outside when you're ready."

And with that, the Detective stepped out of the office, leaving Shepard alone in the room, feeling confused and quite frankly, rather annoyed. She had no idea what Detective Reynolds was trying to insinuate... was the boy's kid a Batarian or something, and Shepard had somehow been responsible for him becoming an orphan? It sounded ridiculous and farfetched as she thought about it in her head, but she couldn't think of any other reasons why the Detective would want her help so much.

"Right, let's see this hologram," Shepard muttered to herself, as she pressed play and placed it down on the desk. Up came the hologram, though the image was fuzzy and distorted for a few moments. There was suddenly an image of a woman on the hologram. She was a short woman, and she looked very slim - almost emasciated, her arms and legs looked terrifyingly bony and her face was almost concave. She looked like a living skeleton. Shepard shuffled in her seat, uncomfortable at the sight of this poor woman. The hologram woman smiled, waving awkwardly.

"Lia, hey."

Shepard froze. _Lia? _It had been years since anyone had called her that. Nobody even called her by her first name anymore - so the memories of nicknames were long gone. She'd almost forgotten what her first name sounded like on her tongue. _Amelia. _She was suddenly greeted with a mental image of the night before Ilos, and the sound of Kaidan passionately shouting out her name, the sound echoing all around the cabin. Shepard shook her head - _god damn it, stop thinking about him! -_ and turned her full attention back to the hologram. She still didn't understand what this hologram was all about, but she was suddenly desperate to learn more. She narrowed her eyes slightly as she tried hard to recognise the woman in front of her.

"Lia, babe. It's me. Marina."

Shepard could've sworn she felt her heart stop.

"I don't know if you even remember me... I hope you haven't forgotten about us now you're a famous soldier in the Alliance!" The woman in the hologram laughed. "Look... if this reaches you, please listen. Lia... I failed you babe. I'm not gonna be here much longer. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I can't afford to travel to visit a medical centre. I'm trying to hold on as long as I can, for Christian, but my body just ain't letting me. I told Chris that you're his mom. I'm so sorry babe, I know you never wanted him to know, but I didn't want him to think that when I go he's all alone in this world. He needs you, and by the sounds of all the shit you been doin' girl, you need him too! I found a picture of you and me from way back. I gave it to Chris so ask him to show you. Remember when you dyed your hair bright blue? I'll never forget Tony's face when you walked into the diner that day! So many good memories." The woman in the hologram seemed to be crying now. She sighed deeply, wiping away her tears with one hand. "Look... I miss ya, babe. I love ya like blood, you know that. I know right now you can't be a full time mom, but when you decide you're done with the Alliance thing, you should consider it. I know you never believed it back then, but you'll make a great mom. I have to go, but stay strong. I'm proud of you Li. Bye."

Shepard didn't even hear the last few seconds of the hologram as she leaped out of her chair, inadvertently knocking it to the floor, and bolted for the office door before the tears welling up in her eyes could betray her.


	3. Chapter 3

******A/N: **Thanks to all of those that have favourited/subscribed etc. Much appreciated, guys and gals.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any of the Mass Effect characters and their likenesses, they belong to Bioware.

* * *

**Three.**

Shepard was furious.

She was pacing up and down the Civilian Affairs office, breathing loudly and fiercely. James was in the office too, now, standing in front of the door with his arms crossed. Detective Reynolds was sitting in her desk chair, watching Shepard with a concerned expression on her face.

Five minutes earlier, Shepard had practically sprinted out of the office, only for James to bolt after her and grab her, hoisting her over his shoulder in a fireman's carry as she pounded at his back and shouted at him to put her down. He placed her down, eventually - practically throwing her onto the office sofa without a single word. And now here they were.

"Shepard," the Detective spoke tentatively. Shepard stopped in her tracks, although she was facing away from the Detective's desk. She didn't respond. "Amelia, I..."

In a heartbeat Shepard span round, her face scrunched in pure fury. "No one gets the privilege of calling me by that name," she snarled, pointing an accusing finger in the Detective's direction. "Not even you, Reynolds."

The Detective was unmoved by Shepard's show of anger. "Shepard, I understand that this is difficult for you, but quite frankly, this isn't all about you. I've brought you here simply because I'm concerned for the child's well being. The woman he's called his mother for eleven years is dead. You're all he has."

Eleven years. Had it really been so long? Millions of memories were zooming through Shepard's mind. She had locked them away for such a long time, not realising that one day she'd be forced to relive them all over again.

"Would you be able to shine some light on this for me?" The Detective asked in a gentle voice. "I can assume enough from the hologram and your reaction, but I need to hear the full story from you."

Shepard's line of sight hit the maroon carpeted floor, and she drew in a slow, deep breath. She felt a little nauseous. The idea of having to drag up her past - especially to a woman she barely even knew - just seemed unfair, wrong.

She walked over to the familiar black leather chair and sat down. The room was uncomfortably silent. Shepard could feel two pairs of eyes urging her on.

"I was seventeen years old," She managed to speak, after a long absence of sound from the room.

"Okay."

Shepard suppressed the urge to roll her eyes at the Detective's faux-understanding voice.

"I wanted to be an Alliance soldier more than anything. I promised myself that once I turned eighteen, I'd leave, never look back, make something of myself. But..." Shepard's voice trailed off, and she pursed her lips, unsure of where the right words were inside herself. "I found out I was pregnant on my seventeenth birthday. Marina was a waitress at the local diner in this shitty run down area of Seattle. We ended up becoming friends. She was the only normal person in my life. Everybody else was pushing drugs, prostituting themselves. Marina wanted a family."

The hologram image of her emaciated, dying friend tore a hole right through Shepard's mind. She hadn't thought about Marina for years. All of a sudden, she was all Shepard could think about. The 'Kaidan' light in her mind had temporarily stopped flashing on and off. Now all she could hear was Marina's voice echoing through her.

"She held my hair back when I had morning sickness. She let me live with her so I could get away from the other guys in the gang. She kept me fed. I slept on her sofa for eight months. I gave birth to the baby on it. She never left my side."

Shepard's feeling of nausea seemed to grow stronger as she relived it all. Detective Reynolds grabbed Shepard's hand reassuringly across the desk, and Shepard was too buried in memories and emotions to angrily yank her hand away.

"I knew that having a baby would ruin any chance I ever had of joining the military, and I also knew that Marina couldn't have children, so her adopting the kid just seemed the best idea for both of us. She delivered the baby and I never even held him, I never even wanted to. By her being the kid's mother, we both got what we wanted out of life." A thought suddenly came to Shepard. "Where is the kid now?"

"He's in the local hospital, being treated for exhaustion and malnutrition," The Detective responded, "He's being well looked after. Once he's considerably healthier he'll be transferred to the psychiatric ward where they'll fully assess him and decide the next appropriate steps for him. Would you like to see him?"

"No," Shepard declared almost coldly as she stood up. As much as it pained her to learn that the woman she thought of as a sister, who had done so much for her, was dead, the idea of visiting the child that was for all intents and purposes her _son_ did not appeal to her. She knew she probably seemed heartless, but she waived all rights to the child when she gave him up to Marina. She had given him up for a reason. She was not ready to be a parent - she wasn't ready back then, and she still wasn't.

"Please think about it, Shepard. I'm sure he has a lot of questions that only you can answer. Anyway, thank you for shining some much needed light on this case for me," Detective Reynolds got up from her seat, flashing a polite smile at Shepard as she extended out her hand. Shepard shook it half-heartedly, stepping towards the door that James was still guarding. James took a step to the side and extended his arm out toward the door, gesturing for her to leave first. She glanced up at him, noting an expression on his face that she couldn't quite read. Perhaps disappointment or judgment that she didn't care about the child that had clearly come looking for her? She, quite frankly, didn't care.

"Back to my cell, then," she retorted sarcastically in a quiet voice as the doors slid open before her and she stepped out, her human guard dog not far behind her.

* * *

Hit me with a review whether you love it or hate it. I'd love to know what you guys are thinking of it so far. More soon!


End file.
